Attention:10badhabitsthatmayruinyourloveEverfeelthatyourrelationshipsuffersfromauniquebrandoffrustration,tension,distance,oranynumberofothertroublingfeelings?Therealityis,thereisstruggleineveryromance."Ifyouareexperiencingdisillusionment,well,jointhehumanrace".Hendrix,authorofthebestsellingbook,GettingtheLoveYouWant,startedexaminingthequestion,"whydocouplesfight"inthelate1970s.Afterstudyingandworkingwiththousandsofcouples,hehasfoundthatthereare10commonbadhabitscouplesengageinthatmakerelationshipsmiserableandcanleadtobreak-upordivorce.1.Becritical.Even"constructive"criticismcanmakeyourpartnerdefensiveandreducethefeelingofsafetyinarelationship.Beingharshandjudgmentalwhenangrycantriggera"flightorfightresponse."2.Insistyourpartnerbeexactlythesameasyou."Absolutecompatibility"isanexpressroutetoadullrelationship.Ifyouinsistyourpartnerhavethesamefeelingsandperceptionsasyoudo,itcanleadtodespairandmisery.3.Fleefromintimacy.Ifyouhabituallyavoidbeingphysicallyoremotionallyclosewithyourpartnerthroughescapingintowork,hobbies,television,orotheractivities,youriskcreatingadividebetweenyouandyourpartnerthatmaybecomeimpossibletobreach.4.Playtheblamegame.Using"you"languagewhenupsetwillmakeyourpartnerputuptheirdefenses.Whenyourgoalistocommunicateinawaythatfostersintimacy,usestatementsthatbeginwith"Ifeel"instead.5.Bargain.Both"givingconditionallyandreceivingcautiously"eroderelationships.Hewarnsagainstdoingsomethingforapartneronlywhenyouwantsomethinginexchange.6.Becasualaboutromance.Norelationshipcanbespontaneouslyjoyfulforever.Oncetheinitialexcitementofanewromancewearsoff,somecouplesthinktheirrelationshipisoverandgiveuptrying.Theyriskmissingoutonexperiencingadeeperkindoflove.7.Focusonthenegative.Ifyouconstantlythinkandtalkaboutyourpartner'sflawsitcanamplifyyourdiscontent.Aparadoxofmostformsofcouplestherapyisthatyouspendyoursessionscomplainingaboutyourpartner—somethingthatcanactuallybedetrimentaltoyourrelationship.8.Refusetolisten.Thinkingyouaretherightallthetimeandengaginginaone-waymonologueisagreatwaytoendupinarelationship…ofone.9.Hideyourneeds.Ifyoudon'texpresswhatyouneedandwanttoyourpartner,you'llconstantlyfeeldeprivedandfrustrated.It'scrucialshare"thethingsthattrulytouchyourheart."10.Expectafairytaleromance.Fairytalesarejustthatandeventuallyweallhavetocomedowntoearth.Demandingthefantasygoonforeverpreventsyourpartnerfromeverbeingtheirauthenticselfandfostersresentmentanddistance.
